15 things about Disney films that make NO SENSE: One step makeup removal and mermaid-sex, mainly
1. Why did Cinderella wear that tacky ’90s choker with her ball gown?
You’d think she’d be like, “Hey, Fairy Godmother, I really appreciate this, but I was thinking something more like, a diamond holly wreath? It’s just more my taste. Thanks sooo much, sweetheart.”
2. They wear the same thing every day, assumedly without access to deodorant.
The cut convo between Grumpy and Doc from Snow White: “Should we tell her? This is epic B.O. I don’t know what else to do.” “Ugh, that’s awkward. Let’s just keep giving her flowers and maybe she’ll get the message.”
3. We’re supposed to think it’s romantic when Prince Eric falls in love with a woman who cannot speak or communicate in any other way.
Sure, as Ursula points out in the Little Mermaid, there’s body language, but it is terrifying to think that a handsome, stand-up guy like Eric would be willing to marry a woman whose most expressive ability is a high-five, just because she’s super hot.
4. Jasmine had to be married off at 16 or whatever and couldn’t just be a queen in her own right.
No wonder she spent all of Aladdin throwing so much side-eye.
5. It was weirder for Mulan to be a woman in the army than to have a fucking talking dragon spirit.
You’re a woman and are good at swordfighting? NO LOGIC. You have a mystical “spirit guide” with Eddie Murphy’s voice? Totes normal.
6. They never have frizz.
And let’s face it, the enchanted rainforest is very humid.
7. Disney princesses’ makeup always remains perfect no matter what kind of scrapes they get into.
Who was reapplying Snow White’s tinted moisturizer while she was sleeping in the glass coffin? Was it the Prince? It’s odd that he would be a professional makeup artist.
8. This is not how makeup removal works:
9. The over-the-top super Top-40 version of the main ballad that always runs at the end of the movie.
We guess this makes sense, but it’s just silly.
10. The entire plot of Sleeping Beauty could have been avoided just by inviting Maleficent to Aurora’s baby shower.
Seriously! That’s what made her evil. Being snubbed by her sister and brother-in-law. We all have relatives we don’t like. But just invite them. You’ll get one more present. It’ll be fine.
11. Ariel is really cool, like sociopathically cool, with seeing seafood being eaten on land.
Yeah, she saves Sebastian from being a Maryland crab cake, but what about all the other dead fish and sea creatures that Ariel sees becoming lunch in the castle? She’s just, like, Down With That? Talk about a think-for-yourselfer.
12. They are all called princesses even though many of them are not actual princesses.
Mulan? Tiana? Belle? Not princesses. Although “Female Disney Protagonists With Perfect Bone Structure Who End Up Happy And In Love After a Series of Misadventures” does not have quite the same ring to it, we know.
13. Honestly, it was completely shocking that Belle a) liked to read b) could even read at all.
Considering this is theoretically a small French province in 1756. Actually, she probably would have died of some kind of old-school pox before she was like 15, just like everybody else.
14. They all have Broadway-level singing voices.
And, under duress, use song to express emotion.
15. How do mermaids have sex? With other mermaids?
My co-worker just looked up dolphin vaginas for this purpose, so now I know what that looks like, and so do you. You’re welcome.